Who's not on first?

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

A: I certainly do.

C: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

A: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

C: You mean funny names?

A: Strange names, pet names...

C: Oh, oh, I'm ready for this. O.K. so tell me, "Who's on first!?"

A: Gary Busey.

C: ... Really?

A: Yes.

C: Gary Busey's on first? The actor?

A: That's what I'm tellin' ya.

C: Why?

A: Character research.

C: ... Wow. Uh, O.K. So... "What's the guy's name on second base?!" Eh?

A: Justin Bieber.

C: Oh come on. Seriously?

A: Dead serious.

C: Really?

A: Dead really.

C: Why?

A: Also character research.

C: .... well get outta town.

A: For the same part too.

C: But they're nothing alike!

A: I know. The character is an intense 50 something year old man hiding from the cops on a baseball team. Busey fits the part but the producers are worried about marketability. They don't like taking chances these days. That's why everything's a sequel.

C: I thought people weren't as creative anymore.

A: No no, there's still plenty of that.

C: Oh good, so back to our all-star team here. Anyone else famous on the team?

A: All professional ball players are somewhat famous.

C: You know what I mean! Tell me! Who!?

A: That's our third baseman.

C: WHO?

A: Yes.

C: ...Wait... the same Who who used to play first?

A: Yes, you know him?

C: ... You are such an asshole.

A: What?

C: ASSHOLE!

A: That's our catcher.