Silent Night of the Lambs

This was a sketch that I wrote a while ago, it just needed a home.


If the lighting can create a spotlight this can be staged. If not, perhaps a video.
The scene opens to the music of Christmas in the background. Something choral.

Santa creeps out of a chimney to lay down gifts. He seems in a jolly mood thinking of how happy the children in this home will be with their new toys. After a while and making a show of the whole process, he notices the cookies and milk laid out for him. Laughing, he walks over, takes a bite of cookie and washes it down. A few moments later he stops. He feels dizzy. He looks at the cookie in confusion as he passes out and all goes dark.

He wakes up in a pit, (spotlight?)

SANTA: What? What’s going on? Where... where am I?

(A 2 litre of eggnog is thrown at Santa)

SANTA: AHH! Hey what the hell is this?

VOICE:... It rubs the eggnog on its skin.

S: ... Wh.. What? Who’s up there? Where the hell am I?

V:........

S: Answer me god damn it, what the hells going on he –
(he is cut off by a spray of water)
S: What the FUCK?!?! Do you have any idea who I am???

V: ....It rubs the eggnog on its skin, it does so whenever it’s told.

S: All right... all right listen whoever you are, my elves can make you toys, whatever toy you want they’ll make it! Transformers, Tickle me whatevers,

V: It rubs the eggnog on its skin or else it gets the hose again. <BARK> Yes you will, precious, you will get the hose!

S: Okay... okay okay okay. (does so) Okay now listen. If you let me go I won’t put you on my naughty list, I promise! You see I’m pretty important but I guess you already know that.

V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.

S: Please! I wanna go back the the North Pole!

V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.

S: I wanna see all the reindeer! I wanna see (sobbing)

V: Put the fucking eggnog in the basket!

S: (does so – light illuminates area of the pit where Santa sees Easter basket with matted bloody fur and smashed eggs).
S: Ahh! Noooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!

BOTH, voice mocking: Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!

Goodbye Horses starts playing in background as lights in pit go out. Lights up on Buffalo Bill putting on various makeups in empty mirror facing audience)

NARRATOR: This holiday season....

B.B.: Would you fuck me?

N: Find the perfect outfit....

B.B.: I’d fuck me.

N: Find the perfect Christmas dinner...

B.B.: I’ve been a naughty boy, I’d fuck me hard.

N: Find the perfect movie....

(lights down on B.B., up on poster for ‘Silent Night of the Lambs.’)

B.B. I’d fuck me so hard.