<3 people leaving a theatre>
Josh: THAT WUZ AWESOME!!!
Cid: I think I'm going to be sick.
Karen: What did you expect? You paid to go see the first two Transporner movies, to keep shelling out money for the same thing and expecting different results is Einstein's definition of insanity.
Cid: Wait, did you actually like it?
Josh: WHOOO!
Karen: All I'm saying is that I paid to go see giant robots fucking, and that's what I saw.
Josh: Yeah! Those robots fucked the shit out of each other!
Cid: You can watch that for free on the internet.
Josh: But not that big! The mechanical grinding sounds vibrated my whole seat. I felt like -I- was right there being fucked by Megapr0n!
Cid: It was too much! The problem with going this extreme and foregoing any substance means the next one will need to be even more perverse and extreme to capture people's interest.
Karen: It was just a porno.
Cid: I have seen plenty of well made porns, just because it's supposed to be dumb or low-brow doesn't mean it has to be badly made.
Josh: What are you talking about badly made!? I think my erection is calloused!
Karen: Yeah, I didn't like it but the rob-orgies were well put together.
Cid: The fact that it's doing so well just means that more movies are going to be made to this standard. It is hurting porno forever!
Josh: WHOOOO!
Cid: Shut up whoo! Even the people who defend it usually admit that it was horrible!
Karen: Well, yeah it was horrible but I'd already seen the first two, and I'd rather know about what I'm making fun of when I trash something.
Cid: You sound like you're trying to justify something you feel guilty about. If you have to start out your defence with anything that sounds like, "yeah, but," you've done something wrong.
Josh: I want to be extra bad! I'm going to see it again!
Karen: Well, the robo-kake was a bit much this time.
Josh: Whoooo!
Karen: And Analmus-Prime ripping off that other robot's head as he came bordered on snuff.
Cid: And let's be honest, we've progressed enough as a species that even our porn shouldn't be this rob-ist. Every robot stereotype known to man was thrown into this movie.
Josh: Guys, you're killin' me. There needs to be more fucking in this...uh... talking thing we're doing.
Karen: I still think you're reading too much into this. Everyone else is seeing this, why shouldn't I get to turn my brain off and enjoy the big-screen fucking?
Cid: Because it's not just mindless, it's anti-intelligence. This porn fucks you and leaves you in the cold rain craving just a bit more warmth.
Josh: Whooo?
Cid: Our collective gaze has the ability to create a porn holocaust, but no one wants to miss out on something this big so we all show up, renewing the cycle.
Karen: I will point out once again that you've seen all three now.
Cid: ... You're right. I am a part of the problem. My desire to be a part of the collective unconciousness outweighs my desire to create a future of meaningful loveless sex for the next generation. If my death will potentially take even $10 away from that evil director I will take it gladly. Goodbye.
<He takes a sword from his coat and commits hari-kari>
Josh: ... ... Where's the explosion?
POSSIBLE ENDER
Man in suit comes out.
MAN: Hello ladies and gentlemen. We've sure had some fun saying, "fuck" so much, but I'd like to talk to you about something serious for a moment: Michael B-AIDS. <perhaps revealing a poster revealing the spelling> Our current statistics show that 100% of you are likely to either be afflicted, or know someone who is inflicted by this brain-rotting virus. So far there is no known cure for Michael B-AIDS, but every movie admission you choose to spend on something not produced by this numbing, cancer-like demon will bring us closer to a solution. Please give generously to something with "wit, style, characterization, tension or even just panache."* Thank you and good night.
*paraphrased from message board writer NZLoki on The Guardian.
*Michael Bay has referred to his style as, "fucking the screen."
Showing posts with label sketch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sketch. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Monkey City Council
Another orphan sketch written a little while ago. I heard this one was performed in Edmonton by some reputably respectable comedians.
1: Order, order, monkey city council is now in session. Thomas, would you read the minutes from our last meeting.
2: Still illiterate, sir.
1: Right. On with it then. What do we have on the agenda today?
2: First up, we have the issue of Miss Peaches suing Jonesy over sexual harassment issues. In the interest of the troop we have been asked to cover this up by the Monkey Police.
1: Why so?
3: If I may sir, he was simply grooming her. If we allow this to get out, female monkeys everywhere will start to feel that they are being mistreated during one of our most basic hygienic practices.
4: May I ask the court if there is another term for female monkey? I feel it is degrading.
3: How is it degrading? That’s exactly what you are.
4: Horses have mares, deer have does, as a more advanced-
2: And eloquent!
4: Yes, and eloquent species I feel that simply specifying that I’m female isn’t giving me the same privileges that other animals give their women.
1: Well, we males don’t have special names either, we’re just “males.”
4: Yes, but everyone assumes that when you say monkey you mean male. You’ve really taken the entire word for your gender haven’t you?
3: Why can’t we just call you Terry like your husband does?
5: Now leave me out of this!
4: But then how will you refer to a group of us?
1: For christ’s sake, there’s only 5 of you in the troop we’ll just be specific until it becomes a problem.
4: It’s –
1: MORE of a problem. Now, all in favour of telling everyone that Miss Peaches is nuts and not to listen to her?
ALL: Ook!
1: Motion carried. Next.
2: There is the issue of Bananas. We seem to have eaten most of what’s
available in the area.
5: Oh, but I like it here!
1: What happened to our banana stockpile down by the lagoon?
3: Merely a rumour sir, started to encourage banana consumption and strengthen our economy.
1: What economy? And how would that even work with an edible currency?
2: I would read the minutes on the day we decided on that, but-
1: Illiterate, right. Was I in power then?
3: I believe that was during Bongo’s reign.
1: OH god, bongo. I swear we spend more time cleaning up that apes
mess...
5: Frankly I’m glad his head was smashed by a rock.
1: As are we all, Edward, as are we all. So what do we do?
4: Eat something else?
3: Oh, like what? Our own feces?
1: Jaspers!!! You know the rules. We are not uncouth baboons, we do not mention our poop in any context during town meetings... and besides, it would taste awful and expend a valuable flinging resource.
2: We could move to the banana trees on the other side of the lagoon?
1: How far is that?
2: 8 minute swing.
1: All in favour?
ALL BUT 5: Ook!
1: ....Edward?
5: Oh fine. Ook then I say, ook, but I won’t like it.
1: You’ll deal. Next?
2: Last item on the agenda sir.
1: Good good, I have to get home and scent-mark the new drywall. What is it?
2: Edward is challenging for dominant male.
1: What?? Edward is this true?
5: ...Ook.
1: Oh! Oh, I bring you into the Monkey City Council and this is how you repay me? Why Edward why?
(Edward gestures to 4)
4: He needs to make something of himself! I’m sick of mating with a Beta male. Edward has ideas, he can take this troop places!
1: He was the only one opposed to moving across the lagoon!
4: Not physical places.
1: Oh, what then? He wants to make us a political powerhouse in the primate government?
3: Like hell I’m joining a coalition with those dirty dirty howler monkeys!
1: I was being sarcastic Jaspers, but yes, like hell!
4: It doesn’t matter anymore, the challenge has been issued.
2: She’s right, monkey law.
1: Was that Bongo’s doing again?
2: No, I believe that one was the giant black obelisk.
1: ...Well I can accept that then.
5: Let’s get this over with.
1: Bring it bitch!
(the two monkey leap over their chairs and start fighting wildly like monkeys, all traces of civility gone. The others pound the tables and scream madly)
Lights go down
1: Order, order, monkey city council is now in session. Thomas, would you read the minutes from our last meeting.
2: Still illiterate, sir.
1: Right. On with it then. What do we have on the agenda today?
2: First up, we have the issue of Miss Peaches suing Jonesy over sexual harassment issues. In the interest of the troop we have been asked to cover this up by the Monkey Police.
1: Why so?
3: If I may sir, he was simply grooming her. If we allow this to get out, female monkeys everywhere will start to feel that they are being mistreated during one of our most basic hygienic practices.
4: May I ask the court if there is another term for female monkey? I feel it is degrading.
3: How is it degrading? That’s exactly what you are.
4: Horses have mares, deer have does, as a more advanced-
2: And eloquent!
4: Yes, and eloquent species I feel that simply specifying that I’m female isn’t giving me the same privileges that other animals give their women.
1: Well, we males don’t have special names either, we’re just “males.”
4: Yes, but everyone assumes that when you say monkey you mean male. You’ve really taken the entire word for your gender haven’t you?
3: Why can’t we just call you Terry like your husband does?
5: Now leave me out of this!
4: But then how will you refer to a group of us?
1: For christ’s sake, there’s only 5 of you in the troop we’ll just be specific until it becomes a problem.
4: It’s –
1: MORE of a problem. Now, all in favour of telling everyone that Miss Peaches is nuts and not to listen to her?
ALL: Ook!
1: Motion carried. Next.
2: There is the issue of Bananas. We seem to have eaten most of what’s
available in the area.
5: Oh, but I like it here!
1: What happened to our banana stockpile down by the lagoon?
3: Merely a rumour sir, started to encourage banana consumption and strengthen our economy.
1: What economy? And how would that even work with an edible currency?
2: I would read the minutes on the day we decided on that, but-
1: Illiterate, right. Was I in power then?
3: I believe that was during Bongo’s reign.
1: OH god, bongo. I swear we spend more time cleaning up that apes
mess...
5: Frankly I’m glad his head was smashed by a rock.
1: As are we all, Edward, as are we all. So what do we do?
4: Eat something else?
3: Oh, like what? Our own feces?
1: Jaspers!!! You know the rules. We are not uncouth baboons, we do not mention our poop in any context during town meetings... and besides, it would taste awful and expend a valuable flinging resource.
2: We could move to the banana trees on the other side of the lagoon?
1: How far is that?
2: 8 minute swing.
1: All in favour?
ALL BUT 5: Ook!
1: ....Edward?
5: Oh fine. Ook then I say, ook, but I won’t like it.
1: You’ll deal. Next?
2: Last item on the agenda sir.
1: Good good, I have to get home and scent-mark the new drywall. What is it?
2: Edward is challenging for dominant male.
1: What?? Edward is this true?
5: ...Ook.
1: Oh! Oh, I bring you into the Monkey City Council and this is how you repay me? Why Edward why?
(Edward gestures to 4)
4: He needs to make something of himself! I’m sick of mating with a Beta male. Edward has ideas, he can take this troop places!
1: He was the only one opposed to moving across the lagoon!
4: Not physical places.
1: Oh, what then? He wants to make us a political powerhouse in the primate government?
3: Like hell I’m joining a coalition with those dirty dirty howler monkeys!
1: I was being sarcastic Jaspers, but yes, like hell!
4: It doesn’t matter anymore, the challenge has been issued.
2: She’s right, monkey law.
1: Was that Bongo’s doing again?
2: No, I believe that one was the giant black obelisk.
1: ...Well I can accept that then.
5: Let’s get this over with.
1: Bring it bitch!
(the two monkey leap over their chairs and start fighting wildly like monkeys, all traces of civility gone. The others pound the tables and scream madly)
Lights go down
Silent Night of the Lambs
This was a sketch that I wrote a while ago, it just needed a home.
If the lighting can create a spotlight this can be staged. If not, perhaps a video.
The scene opens to the music of Christmas in the background. Something choral.
Santa creeps out of a chimney to lay down gifts. He seems in a jolly mood thinking of how happy the children in this home will be with their new toys. After a while and making a show of the whole process, he notices the cookies and milk laid out for him. Laughing, he walks over, takes a bite of cookie and washes it down. A few moments later he stops. He feels dizzy. He looks at the cookie in confusion as he passes out and all goes dark.
He wakes up in a pit, (spotlight?)
SANTA: What? What’s going on? Where... where am I?
(A 2 litre of eggnog is thrown at Santa)
SANTA: AHH! Hey what the hell is this?
VOICE:... It rubs the eggnog on its skin.
S: ... Wh.. What? Who’s up there? Where the hell am I?
V:........
S: Answer me god damn it, what the hells going on he –
(he is cut off by a spray of water)
S: What the FUCK?!?! Do you have any idea who I am???
V: ....It rubs the eggnog on its skin, it does so whenever it’s told.
S: All right... all right listen whoever you are, my elves can make you toys, whatever toy you want they’ll make it! Transformers, Tickle me whatevers,
V: It rubs the eggnog on its skin or else it gets the hose again. <BARK> Yes you will, precious, you will get the hose!
S: Okay... okay okay okay. (does so) Okay now listen. If you let me go I won’t put you on my naughty list, I promise! You see I’m pretty important but I guess you already know that.
V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.
S: Please! I wanna go back the the North Pole!
V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.
S: I wanna see all the reindeer! I wanna see (sobbing)
V: Put the fucking eggnog in the basket!
S: (does so – light illuminates area of the pit where Santa sees Easter basket with matted bloody fur and smashed eggs).
S: Ahh! Noooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!
BOTH, voice mocking: Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!
Goodbye Horses starts playing in background as lights in pit go out. Lights up on Buffalo Bill putting on various makeups in empty mirror facing audience)
NARRATOR: This holiday season....
B.B.: Would you fuck me?
N: Find the perfect outfit....
B.B.: I’d fuck me.
N: Find the perfect Christmas dinner...
B.B.: I’ve been a naughty boy, I’d fuck me hard.
N: Find the perfect movie....
(lights down on B.B., up on poster for ‘Silent Night of the Lambs.’)
B.B. I’d fuck me so hard.
If the lighting can create a spotlight this can be staged. If not, perhaps a video.
The scene opens to the music of Christmas in the background. Something choral.
Santa creeps out of a chimney to lay down gifts. He seems in a jolly mood thinking of how happy the children in this home will be with their new toys. After a while and making a show of the whole process, he notices the cookies and milk laid out for him. Laughing, he walks over, takes a bite of cookie and washes it down. A few moments later he stops. He feels dizzy. He looks at the cookie in confusion as he passes out and all goes dark.
He wakes up in a pit, (spotlight?)
SANTA: What? What’s going on? Where... where am I?
(A 2 litre of eggnog is thrown at Santa)
SANTA: AHH! Hey what the hell is this?
VOICE:... It rubs the eggnog on its skin.
S: ... Wh.. What? Who’s up there? Where the hell am I?
V:........
S: Answer me god damn it, what the hells going on he –
(he is cut off by a spray of water)
S: What the FUCK?!?! Do you have any idea who I am???
V: ....It rubs the eggnog on its skin, it does so whenever it’s told.
S: All right... all right listen whoever you are, my elves can make you toys, whatever toy you want they’ll make it! Transformers, Tickle me whatevers,
V: It rubs the eggnog on its skin or else it gets the hose again. <BARK> Yes you will, precious, you will get the hose!
S: Okay... okay okay okay. (does so) Okay now listen. If you let me go I won’t put you on my naughty list, I promise! You see I’m pretty important but I guess you already know that.
V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.
S: Please! I wanna go back the the North Pole!
V: Now it places the eggnog in the basket.
S: I wanna see all the reindeer! I wanna see (sobbing)
V: Put the fucking eggnog in the basket!
S: (does so – light illuminates area of the pit where Santa sees Easter basket with matted bloody fur and smashed eggs).
S: Ahh! Noooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooooo-ho-ho-ho! Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!
BOTH, voice mocking: Nooooo-ho-ho-ho!
Goodbye Horses starts playing in background as lights in pit go out. Lights up on Buffalo Bill putting on various makeups in empty mirror facing audience)
NARRATOR: This holiday season....
B.B.: Would you fuck me?
N: Find the perfect outfit....
B.B.: I’d fuck me.
N: Find the perfect Christmas dinner...
B.B.: I’ve been a naughty boy, I’d fuck me hard.
N: Find the perfect movie....
(lights down on B.B., up on poster for ‘Silent Night of the Lambs.’)
B.B. I’d fuck me so hard.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Who's not on first?
Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
A: I certainly do.
C: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
A: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
C: You mean funny names?
A: Strange names, pet names...
C: Oh, oh, I'm ready for this. O.K. so tell me, "Who's on first!?"
A: Gary Busey.
C: ... Really?
A: Yes.
C: Gary Busey's on first? The actor?
A: That's what I'm tellin' ya.
C: Why?
A: Character research.
C: ... Wow. Uh, O.K. So... "What's the guy's name on second base?!" Eh?
A: Justin Bieber.
C: Oh come on. Seriously?
A: Dead serious.
C: Really?
A: Dead really.
C: Why?
A: Also character research.
C: .... well get outta town.
A: For the same part too.
C: But they're nothing alike!
A: I know. The character is an intense 50 something year old man hiding from the cops on a baseball team. Busey fits the part but the producers are worried about marketability. They don't like taking chances these days. That's why everything's a sequel.
C: I thought people weren't as creative anymore.
A: No no, there's still plenty of that.
C: Oh good, so back to our all-star team here. Anyone else famous on the team?
A: All professional ball players are somewhat famous.
C: You know what I mean! Tell me! Who!?
A: That's our third baseman.
C: WHO?
A: Yes.
C: ...Wait... the same Who who used to play first?
A: Yes, you know him?
C: ... You are such an asshole.
A: What?
C: ASSHOLE!
A: That's our catcher.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
A: I certainly do.
C: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
A: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
C: You mean funny names?
A: Strange names, pet names...
C: Oh, oh, I'm ready for this. O.K. so tell me, "Who's on first!?"
A: Gary Busey.
C: ... Really?
A: Yes.
C: Gary Busey's on first? The actor?
A: That's what I'm tellin' ya.
C: Why?
A: Character research.
C: ... Wow. Uh, O.K. So... "What's the guy's name on second base?!" Eh?
A: Justin Bieber.
C: Oh come on. Seriously?
A: Dead serious.
C: Really?
A: Dead really.
C: Why?
A: Also character research.
C: .... well get outta town.
A: For the same part too.
C: But they're nothing alike!
A: I know. The character is an intense 50 something year old man hiding from the cops on a baseball team. Busey fits the part but the producers are worried about marketability. They don't like taking chances these days. That's why everything's a sequel.
C: I thought people weren't as creative anymore.
A: No no, there's still plenty of that.
C: Oh good, so back to our all-star team here. Anyone else famous on the team?
A: All professional ball players are somewhat famous.
C: You know what I mean! Tell me! Who!?
A: That's our third baseman.
C: WHO?
A: Yes.
C: ...Wait... the same Who who used to play first?
A: Yes, you know him?
C: ... You are such an asshole.
A: What?
C: ASSHOLE!
A: That's our catcher.
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