If there were 37 bears I would not have been more threatened than by the one who was currently in my room. Actually, with 37 bears I might have a chance of escaping the bedlam unnoticed, but with one there was nothing to distract it other than the mild confusion I'm sure both of us felt. Probably extreme confusion on the bear's part, but bears are adaptable. I am just used to this.
I had gone to sleep peacefully enough, but every time I do it seems I wake to another threat having been magically ripped from the ether. My worry seems to keep them away. My mind acts as a subconscious barrier preventing their formation, or whatever fashion they are summoned in. It is only when I somehow ease myself into believing that everything will be O.K. that another terror slips through my defenses to remind me that it won't. The fooling is important however; the idea that the reward for overcoming fear is an eternity of successively bigger fears could be considered disheartening on a bad day.
At least I knew what a bear was. There had been a few instances of creatures I didn't even recognize opening their multitude of eyes in unison with my own. Not that this made them any more or less dangerous of course. Familiar or not, a rhesus monkey with a gun is going to cause damage and concern. For the detail orientated, I am not a gun expert and do not recall the make and model of said gun, merely which garden gnome it is hidden under.
Perhaps one day I will wake up to a bed-full of chocolate bars, a roll of ten dollar bills on my chest or even just plain ducks. For now, it's time to deal with this bear. My mind is already thinking about where to bury the body. I am briefly prideful of this can-do attitude as I leap from under the covers ready to face another day. Bring it.
Showing posts with label monkeys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monkeys. Show all posts
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Monkey City Council
Another orphan sketch written a little while ago. I heard this one was performed in Edmonton by some reputably respectable comedians.
1: Order, order, monkey city council is now in session. Thomas, would you read the minutes from our last meeting.
2: Still illiterate, sir.
1: Right. On with it then. What do we have on the agenda today?
2: First up, we have the issue of Miss Peaches suing Jonesy over sexual harassment issues. In the interest of the troop we have been asked to cover this up by the Monkey Police.
1: Why so?
3: If I may sir, he was simply grooming her. If we allow this to get out, female monkeys everywhere will start to feel that they are being mistreated during one of our most basic hygienic practices.
4: May I ask the court if there is another term for female monkey? I feel it is degrading.
3: How is it degrading? That’s exactly what you are.
4: Horses have mares, deer have does, as a more advanced-
2: And eloquent!
4: Yes, and eloquent species I feel that simply specifying that I’m female isn’t giving me the same privileges that other animals give their women.
1: Well, we males don’t have special names either, we’re just “males.”
4: Yes, but everyone assumes that when you say monkey you mean male. You’ve really taken the entire word for your gender haven’t you?
3: Why can’t we just call you Terry like your husband does?
5: Now leave me out of this!
4: But then how will you refer to a group of us?
1: For christ’s sake, there’s only 5 of you in the troop we’ll just be specific until it becomes a problem.
4: It’s –
1: MORE of a problem. Now, all in favour of telling everyone that Miss Peaches is nuts and not to listen to her?
ALL: Ook!
1: Motion carried. Next.
2: There is the issue of Bananas. We seem to have eaten most of what’s
available in the area.
5: Oh, but I like it here!
1: What happened to our banana stockpile down by the lagoon?
3: Merely a rumour sir, started to encourage banana consumption and strengthen our economy.
1: What economy? And how would that even work with an edible currency?
2: I would read the minutes on the day we decided on that, but-
1: Illiterate, right. Was I in power then?
3: I believe that was during Bongo’s reign.
1: OH god, bongo. I swear we spend more time cleaning up that apes
mess...
5: Frankly I’m glad his head was smashed by a rock.
1: As are we all, Edward, as are we all. So what do we do?
4: Eat something else?
3: Oh, like what? Our own feces?
1: Jaspers!!! You know the rules. We are not uncouth baboons, we do not mention our poop in any context during town meetings... and besides, it would taste awful and expend a valuable flinging resource.
2: We could move to the banana trees on the other side of the lagoon?
1: How far is that?
2: 8 minute swing.
1: All in favour?
ALL BUT 5: Ook!
1: ....Edward?
5: Oh fine. Ook then I say, ook, but I won’t like it.
1: You’ll deal. Next?
2: Last item on the agenda sir.
1: Good good, I have to get home and scent-mark the new drywall. What is it?
2: Edward is challenging for dominant male.
1: What?? Edward is this true?
5: ...Ook.
1: Oh! Oh, I bring you into the Monkey City Council and this is how you repay me? Why Edward why?
(Edward gestures to 4)
4: He needs to make something of himself! I’m sick of mating with a Beta male. Edward has ideas, he can take this troop places!
1: He was the only one opposed to moving across the lagoon!
4: Not physical places.
1: Oh, what then? He wants to make us a political powerhouse in the primate government?
3: Like hell I’m joining a coalition with those dirty dirty howler monkeys!
1: I was being sarcastic Jaspers, but yes, like hell!
4: It doesn’t matter anymore, the challenge has been issued.
2: She’s right, monkey law.
1: Was that Bongo’s doing again?
2: No, I believe that one was the giant black obelisk.
1: ...Well I can accept that then.
5: Let’s get this over with.
1: Bring it bitch!
(the two monkey leap over their chairs and start fighting wildly like monkeys, all traces of civility gone. The others pound the tables and scream madly)
Lights go down
1: Order, order, monkey city council is now in session. Thomas, would you read the minutes from our last meeting.
2: Still illiterate, sir.
1: Right. On with it then. What do we have on the agenda today?
2: First up, we have the issue of Miss Peaches suing Jonesy over sexual harassment issues. In the interest of the troop we have been asked to cover this up by the Monkey Police.
1: Why so?
3: If I may sir, he was simply grooming her. If we allow this to get out, female monkeys everywhere will start to feel that they are being mistreated during one of our most basic hygienic practices.
4: May I ask the court if there is another term for female monkey? I feel it is degrading.
3: How is it degrading? That’s exactly what you are.
4: Horses have mares, deer have does, as a more advanced-
2: And eloquent!
4: Yes, and eloquent species I feel that simply specifying that I’m female isn’t giving me the same privileges that other animals give their women.
1: Well, we males don’t have special names either, we’re just “males.”
4: Yes, but everyone assumes that when you say monkey you mean male. You’ve really taken the entire word for your gender haven’t you?
3: Why can’t we just call you Terry like your husband does?
5: Now leave me out of this!
4: But then how will you refer to a group of us?
1: For christ’s sake, there’s only 5 of you in the troop we’ll just be specific until it becomes a problem.
4: It’s –
1: MORE of a problem. Now, all in favour of telling everyone that Miss Peaches is nuts and not to listen to her?
ALL: Ook!
1: Motion carried. Next.
2: There is the issue of Bananas. We seem to have eaten most of what’s
available in the area.
5: Oh, but I like it here!
1: What happened to our banana stockpile down by the lagoon?
3: Merely a rumour sir, started to encourage banana consumption and strengthen our economy.
1: What economy? And how would that even work with an edible currency?
2: I would read the minutes on the day we decided on that, but-
1: Illiterate, right. Was I in power then?
3: I believe that was during Bongo’s reign.
1: OH god, bongo. I swear we spend more time cleaning up that apes
mess...
5: Frankly I’m glad his head was smashed by a rock.
1: As are we all, Edward, as are we all. So what do we do?
4: Eat something else?
3: Oh, like what? Our own feces?
1: Jaspers!!! You know the rules. We are not uncouth baboons, we do not mention our poop in any context during town meetings... and besides, it would taste awful and expend a valuable flinging resource.
2: We could move to the banana trees on the other side of the lagoon?
1: How far is that?
2: 8 minute swing.
1: All in favour?
ALL BUT 5: Ook!
1: ....Edward?
5: Oh fine. Ook then I say, ook, but I won’t like it.
1: You’ll deal. Next?
2: Last item on the agenda sir.
1: Good good, I have to get home and scent-mark the new drywall. What is it?
2: Edward is challenging for dominant male.
1: What?? Edward is this true?
5: ...Ook.
1: Oh! Oh, I bring you into the Monkey City Council and this is how you repay me? Why Edward why?
(Edward gestures to 4)
4: He needs to make something of himself! I’m sick of mating with a Beta male. Edward has ideas, he can take this troop places!
1: He was the only one opposed to moving across the lagoon!
4: Not physical places.
1: Oh, what then? He wants to make us a political powerhouse in the primate government?
3: Like hell I’m joining a coalition with those dirty dirty howler monkeys!
1: I was being sarcastic Jaspers, but yes, like hell!
4: It doesn’t matter anymore, the challenge has been issued.
2: She’s right, monkey law.
1: Was that Bongo’s doing again?
2: No, I believe that one was the giant black obelisk.
1: ...Well I can accept that then.
5: Let’s get this over with.
1: Bring it bitch!
(the two monkey leap over their chairs and start fighting wildly like monkeys, all traces of civility gone. The others pound the tables and scream madly)
Lights go down
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