<3 people leaving a theatre>
Josh: THAT WUZ AWESOME!!!
Cid: I think I'm going to be sick.
Karen: What did you expect? You paid to go see the first two Transporner movies, to keep shelling out money for the same thing and expecting different results is Einstein's definition of insanity.
Cid: Wait, did you actually like it?
Josh: WHOOO!
Karen: All I'm saying is that I paid to go see giant robots fucking, and that's what I saw.
Josh: Yeah! Those robots fucked the shit out of each other!
Cid: You can watch that for free on the internet.
Josh: But not that big! The mechanical grinding sounds vibrated my whole seat. I felt like -I- was right there being fucked by Megapr0n!
Cid: It was too much! The problem with going this extreme and foregoing any substance means the next one will need to be even more perverse and extreme to capture people's interest.
Karen: It was just a porno.
Cid: I have seen plenty of well made porns, just because it's supposed to be dumb or low-brow doesn't mean it has to be badly made.
Josh: What are you talking about badly made!? I think my erection is calloused!
Karen: Yeah, I didn't like it but the rob-orgies were well put together.
Cid: The fact that it's doing so well just means that more movies are going to be made to this standard. It is hurting porno forever!
Josh: WHOOOO!
Cid: Shut up whoo! Even the people who defend it usually admit that it was horrible!
Karen: Well, yeah it was horrible but I'd already seen the first two, and I'd rather know about what I'm making fun of when I trash something.
Cid: You sound like you're trying to justify something you feel guilty about. If you have to start out your defence with anything that sounds like, "yeah, but," you've done something wrong.
Josh: I want to be extra bad! I'm going to see it again!
Karen: Well, the robo-kake was a bit much this time.
Josh: Whoooo!
Karen: And Analmus-Prime ripping off that other robot's head as he came bordered on snuff.
Cid: And let's be honest, we've progressed enough as a species that even our porn shouldn't be this rob-ist. Every robot stereotype known to man was thrown into this movie.
Josh: Guys, you're killin' me. There needs to be more fucking in this...uh... talking thing we're doing.
Karen: I still think you're reading too much into this. Everyone else is seeing this, why shouldn't I get to turn my brain off and enjoy the big-screen fucking?
Cid: Because it's not just mindless, it's anti-intelligence. This porn fucks you and leaves you in the cold rain craving just a bit more warmth.
Josh: Whooo?
Cid: Our collective gaze has the ability to create a porn holocaust, but no one wants to miss out on something this big so we all show up, renewing the cycle.
Karen: I will point out once again that you've seen all three now.
Cid: ... You're right. I am a part of the problem. My desire to be a part of the collective unconciousness outweighs my desire to create a future of meaningful loveless sex for the next generation. If my death will potentially take even $10 away from that evil director I will take it gladly. Goodbye.
<He takes a sword from his coat and commits hari-kari>
Josh: ... ... Where's the explosion?
POSSIBLE ENDER
Man in suit comes out.
MAN: Hello ladies and gentlemen. We've sure had some fun saying, "fuck" so much, but I'd like to talk to you about something serious for a moment: Michael B-AIDS. <perhaps revealing a poster revealing the spelling> Our current statistics show that 100% of you are likely to either be afflicted, or know someone who is inflicted by this brain-rotting virus. So far there is no known cure for Michael B-AIDS, but every movie admission you choose to spend on something not produced by this numbing, cancer-like demon will bring us closer to a solution. Please give generously to something with "wit, style, characterization, tension or even just panache."* Thank you and good night.
*paraphrased from message board writer NZLoki on The Guardian.
*Michael Bay has referred to his style as, "fucking the screen."
Thursday 7 July 2011
Thursday 30 June 2011
17 Button slogans
Someone told me recently that they would wear a funny pin if I made one for them. Writing ideas here seems like it will clog up the net-sphere less than individual tweets or facebook statuses. O.K. brain, go!
Must love Cthulhu
My other button is made of human skin.
I am rubber, you are glue. Let's date.
Joking about murder is classic!
Must love bears. <---as suitable for nature lovers as people who love elderly gay gentlemen.
Fortune cookies are awesome... in bed!
Is this really that cute? <---maybe a gruesome image on this button
Will you have me here or for take out?
Wicked desperate.
Ask me about nihilism!
Down with Philip Marlowe
Fish got nothin' on me.
Because I'm a robot, that's why.
Totally not a ninja.
This is my coat's nipple.
If you can read this, I love you.
Literacy is often wasted, like now.
And now off to work. I may come up with some more later, but if you like any let me know.
Must love Cthulhu
My other button is made of human skin.
I am rubber, you are glue. Let's date.
Joking about murder is classic!
Must love bears. <---as suitable for nature lovers as people who love elderly gay gentlemen.
Fortune cookies are awesome... in bed!
Is this really that cute? <---maybe a gruesome image on this button
Will you have me here or for take out?
Wicked desperate.
Ask me about nihilism!
Down with Philip Marlowe
Fish got nothin' on me.
Because I'm a robot, that's why.
Totally not a ninja.
This is my coat's nipple.
If you can read this, I love you.
Literacy is often wasted, like now.
And now off to work. I may come up with some more later, but if you like any let me know.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Rise and Shine
If there were 37 bears I would not have been more threatened than by the one who was currently in my room. Actually, with 37 bears I might have a chance of escaping the bedlam unnoticed, but with one there was nothing to distract it other than the mild confusion I'm sure both of us felt. Probably extreme confusion on the bear's part, but bears are adaptable. I am just used to this.
I had gone to sleep peacefully enough, but every time I do it seems I wake to another threat having been magically ripped from the ether. My worry seems to keep them away. My mind acts as a subconscious barrier preventing their formation, or whatever fashion they are summoned in. It is only when I somehow ease myself into believing that everything will be O.K. that another terror slips through my defenses to remind me that it won't. The fooling is important however; the idea that the reward for overcoming fear is an eternity of successively bigger fears could be considered disheartening on a bad day.
At least I knew what a bear was. There had been a few instances of creatures I didn't even recognize opening their multitude of eyes in unison with my own. Not that this made them any more or less dangerous of course. Familiar or not, a rhesus monkey with a gun is going to cause damage and concern. For the detail orientated, I am not a gun expert and do not recall the make and model of said gun, merely which garden gnome it is hidden under.
Perhaps one day I will wake up to a bed-full of chocolate bars, a roll of ten dollar bills on my chest or even just plain ducks. For now, it's time to deal with this bear. My mind is already thinking about where to bury the body. I am briefly prideful of this can-do attitude as I leap from under the covers ready to face another day. Bring it.
I had gone to sleep peacefully enough, but every time I do it seems I wake to another threat having been magically ripped from the ether. My worry seems to keep them away. My mind acts as a subconscious barrier preventing their formation, or whatever fashion they are summoned in. It is only when I somehow ease myself into believing that everything will be O.K. that another terror slips through my defenses to remind me that it won't. The fooling is important however; the idea that the reward for overcoming fear is an eternity of successively bigger fears could be considered disheartening on a bad day.
At least I knew what a bear was. There had been a few instances of creatures I didn't even recognize opening their multitude of eyes in unison with my own. Not that this made them any more or less dangerous of course. Familiar or not, a rhesus monkey with a gun is going to cause damage and concern. For the detail orientated, I am not a gun expert and do not recall the make and model of said gun, merely which garden gnome it is hidden under.
Perhaps one day I will wake up to a bed-full of chocolate bars, a roll of ten dollar bills on my chest or even just plain ducks. For now, it's time to deal with this bear. My mind is already thinking about where to bury the body. I am briefly prideful of this can-do attitude as I leap from under the covers ready to face another day. Bring it.
Thursday 28 April 2011
6 Science Fiction Movies For Your Face
I love science fiction, and not just for the green boobs. Traditionally they served as a warning not to fuck with things you don't understand or everything would go to hell, much like the bible but in outer space. Lately there has been a shift; since we've already sent everything to hell the messages revolve around going back to simpler times. Of course not all follow these principles. Plenty are just normal dramas or action movies but with 70% of the cast replaced by aliens and plentiful allusions to fictional history. I suppose it's harder to notice bad dialogue at the speed of light. Here are 6 science fiction movies -besides- the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises that deserve note. Please comment on any disagreements or your own favorites.
1. Event Horizon (1997, Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburne): Horror works well in space largely due to the isolation. No one is coming to help, and when the power goes out as it ALWAYS does, that vacuum is quieter than a 16 year old boy waiting for his girlfriend's pregnancy test. In this one a rescue team boards a ship that has returned from a black hole and brought, "something" back. Hilarity ensues. Nice visuals, and the rare comedic relief amazingly doesn't detract from the tension. A bit Clive Barkerish, it's, "Sam Neill gouging out his own eyes," good.
2. Gattaca (1997, Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman, Jude Law): This movie invents an entirely new ism. When you can genetically engineer a perfect human, why would you want anything but being responsible for all the good jobs? Hell, if I had a choice I'd take a genetically engineered barista to foam my latte. Ethan Hawke's parents are the future equivalent of hippies who want their child born without genetic tampering. Silly granola pushers, right? Turns out he's born with more problems than a math textbook, but the little trooper wants to be an astronaut. Yup, totally illegal, but fortunately the human spirit can't be genetically engineered... yet. It's got Ernest Borgnine, what more do you want?
3. Bladerunner (1982, Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer): One of my top 5 favorite movies of all time, Bladerunner is based on the book, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep." You'll exclaim, "Holy shit! Edward James Olmos is so young in this!" (Adama from Battlestar), like I just did 10 seconds ago when I read up on the cast. It's the age old tale: People are lazy. People make robots to do their crap. Robots wonder why they are programmed to love and start asking questions. People kill all robots. Those robot killers are called Bladerunners despite not using blades and jogging at the best of times. Clearly the role that landed Rutger Hauer, "Hobo With a Shotgun," his intense performance as the poetic lead Replicant, (angry robot), is nothing short of breathtaking, landing a credibility to the genre previously unheard of. He even wrote his own final monologue, giving it to the director on the day! With more metaphors than a John Woo movie, this is not to be missed.
4. Moon (2009, Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey-ish): A recent addition to my favs, this movie is all Sam Rockwell. He is the only actor seen in about 90% of the movie, and you'll be floored when you realize what he's doing technically. He is essentially running the Moon, which supplies Earth with most of it's power in this time and his only company is a helper robot creepily but charmingly, (totally my niche), voiced by Kevin Spacey. Directed by the son of David Bowie, you may see the twist coming but it won't stop you from being emotionally involved in this both heartbreaking and uplifting tale of fighting against your destiny. Oh yeah, you'll question your humanity too. I'm noticing a theme....
5. Brazil (1985, Jonathan Pryce, Robert De Niro, Michael Palin): If you like your futures dystopian, you'll LOVE Terry Gilliam's visual masterpiece with more than a little dash of 1984. A tonne of stars in this one, and the evilest you'll ever get to see Michael Palin, (unless you are currently tied up under his bed - jealous!). Gilliam clearly hates modern consumer culture, and if you are familiar with his career it usually hates him back. Pryce plays Sam Lowry, a peon driven to defy the mundane life he lives by forces sometimes well beyond his ambition and intelligence. This is perhaps why his character is so sympathetic: he is a normal guy surrounded by self-righteous nonsense helplessly ushered to his own doom. We should not be able to relate to that as well as we do.
6. Enemy Mine (1985, Dennis Quaid): I'll be honest here; I don't actually remember how good this one is, just how much I loved it as a kid. Dennis Quaid crash lands on a barren planet. Well, that' not so great, is it? Ooooooh, hold on! The only other intelligent thing on the planet is a similarly stranded member of the race of aliens he was just fighting against. Snap! From what I remember, this one was an intelligent look at the inanity of war at a time when the internet wasn't humanizing other cultures through online, "Call of Duty," (which has helped us conclude that we are all, in fact, equally douchey). Someone watch this and tell me if it stands up. I don't want another, "Thundercats," level disappointment. P.S. Is it proper to use, "humanizing," if the other creature is actually an alien? And how vain is the word," humanoid?"
1. Event Horizon (1997, Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburne): Horror works well in space largely due to the isolation. No one is coming to help, and when the power goes out as it ALWAYS does, that vacuum is quieter than a 16 year old boy waiting for his girlfriend's pregnancy test. In this one a rescue team boards a ship that has returned from a black hole and brought, "something" back. Hilarity ensues. Nice visuals, and the rare comedic relief amazingly doesn't detract from the tension. A bit Clive Barkerish, it's, "Sam Neill gouging out his own eyes," good.
2. Gattaca (1997, Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman, Jude Law): This movie invents an entirely new ism. When you can genetically engineer a perfect human, why would you want anything but being responsible for all the good jobs? Hell, if I had a choice I'd take a genetically engineered barista to foam my latte. Ethan Hawke's parents are the future equivalent of hippies who want their child born without genetic tampering. Silly granola pushers, right? Turns out he's born with more problems than a math textbook, but the little trooper wants to be an astronaut. Yup, totally illegal, but fortunately the human spirit can't be genetically engineered... yet. It's got Ernest Borgnine, what more do you want?
3. Bladerunner (1982, Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer): One of my top 5 favorite movies of all time, Bladerunner is based on the book, "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep." You'll exclaim, "Holy shit! Edward James Olmos is so young in this!" (Adama from Battlestar), like I just did 10 seconds ago when I read up on the cast. It's the age old tale: People are lazy. People make robots to do their crap. Robots wonder why they are programmed to love and start asking questions. People kill all robots. Those robot killers are called Bladerunners despite not using blades and jogging at the best of times. Clearly the role that landed Rutger Hauer, "Hobo With a Shotgun," his intense performance as the poetic lead Replicant, (angry robot), is nothing short of breathtaking, landing a credibility to the genre previously unheard of. He even wrote his own final monologue, giving it to the director on the day! With more metaphors than a John Woo movie, this is not to be missed.
4. Moon (2009, Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey-ish): A recent addition to my favs, this movie is all Sam Rockwell. He is the only actor seen in about 90% of the movie, and you'll be floored when you realize what he's doing technically. He is essentially running the Moon, which supplies Earth with most of it's power in this time and his only company is a helper robot creepily but charmingly, (totally my niche), voiced by Kevin Spacey. Directed by the son of David Bowie, you may see the twist coming but it won't stop you from being emotionally involved in this both heartbreaking and uplifting tale of fighting against your destiny. Oh yeah, you'll question your humanity too. I'm noticing a theme....
5. Brazil (1985, Jonathan Pryce, Robert De Niro, Michael Palin): If you like your futures dystopian, you'll LOVE Terry Gilliam's visual masterpiece with more than a little dash of 1984. A tonne of stars in this one, and the evilest you'll ever get to see Michael Palin, (unless you are currently tied up under his bed - jealous!). Gilliam clearly hates modern consumer culture, and if you are familiar with his career it usually hates him back. Pryce plays Sam Lowry, a peon driven to defy the mundane life he lives by forces sometimes well beyond his ambition and intelligence. This is perhaps why his character is so sympathetic: he is a normal guy surrounded by self-righteous nonsense helplessly ushered to his own doom. We should not be able to relate to that as well as we do.
6. Enemy Mine (1985, Dennis Quaid): I'll be honest here; I don't actually remember how good this one is, just how much I loved it as a kid. Dennis Quaid crash lands on a barren planet. Well, that' not so great, is it? Ooooooh, hold on! The only other intelligent thing on the planet is a similarly stranded member of the race of aliens he was just fighting against. Snap! From what I remember, this one was an intelligent look at the inanity of war at a time when the internet wasn't humanizing other cultures through online, "Call of Duty," (which has helped us conclude that we are all, in fact, equally douchey). Someone watch this and tell me if it stands up. I don't want another, "Thundercats," level disappointment. P.S. Is it proper to use, "humanizing," if the other creature is actually an alien? And how vain is the word," humanoid?"
Monday 25 April 2011
The Last Straw
Humans.
I've always hated them.
From the moment I first heard their tiny voices shout to the sky, "Me!" to the most recent angry footstep vainly trying to stamp an immortality into the ground I have loathed their very existence.
I have tried, using my not inconsiderable might, to do away with them.
Who do you think causes the tsunamis, the cyclones, the most devastating earthquakes?
Recently some humans have attempted to match my destructive power which only further reenforces their need of extinction.
They started it. The gloves are off.
I, the Earth, do not take well to rivalry.
I've always hated them.
From the moment I first heard their tiny voices shout to the sky, "Me!" to the most recent angry footstep vainly trying to stamp an immortality into the ground I have loathed their very existence.
I have tried, using my not inconsiderable might, to do away with them.
Who do you think causes the tsunamis, the cyclones, the most devastating earthquakes?
Recently some humans have attempted to match my destructive power which only further reenforces their need of extinction.
They started it. The gloves are off.
I, the Earth, do not take well to rivalry.
Thursday 21 April 2011
Writer's Schlock Cafe
This coffee shop is nice.
There is good coffee in the mugs, trendy hipsters looking smug, and corpses on the counter.
There is brown sugar in the jar, full cream jugs on the bar, and battery in the basement.
Not everything is perfect of course.
I am having trouble writing.
Something is distracting me.
Is it the remarkable lack of regicide that lends an air of dignity to my normal haunts?
Is it the palpable absence of perjury that lulls me into an uncomfortable ease?
This coffee shop is nice,
But I was hoping for something a bit more atrocious.
There is good coffee in the mugs, trendy hipsters looking smug, and corpses on the counter.
There is brown sugar in the jar, full cream jugs on the bar, and battery in the basement.
Not everything is perfect of course.
I am having trouble writing.
Something is distracting me.
Is it the remarkable lack of regicide that lends an air of dignity to my normal haunts?
Is it the palpable absence of perjury that lulls me into an uncomfortable ease?
This coffee shop is nice,
But I was hoping for something a bit more atrocious.
Friday 15 April 2011
Nemeses
That was the last I saw of Gene.
Plunging into the dark abyss, screaming and flailing, Gene quickly faded into obscurity both in the literal and figurative sense.
And that was that. I had defeated my nemesis. Finding the cave had been simple, (google was an amazing tool), and luring him here had proved even easier; Gene had always quietly assumed his virtue could overcome any evil which led to a near... well, a fatal lack of forethought. Nancy nagged him about it during poker games on the weekends but he laughed it off as just being true to himself. I will miss those games.
It was not my fault, you see. We were just playing out the cards we were dealt. I had won this hand, and all of them as it turned out.
The setup, I think, had something to do with orphans. Where... oh yes, already in the abyss. Gene was a sucker for orphans having been one himself. He liked kittens too, but so did I. Still do in fact, I'm not the total monster the media makes me out to be. The orphans Gene tried to save were cleverly disguised cave bats. The look on his face was priceless, it was the same look he gave when I beat his full house with... but I digress.
So yes, to answer your question I was there when your dad died. I am accepting applications for a new nemesis as well. I look forward to seeing how much you've grown, Gene Jr. Do you play poker? Write soon.
Sincerely,
Terry. (The Maniaclor)
Plunging into the dark abyss, screaming and flailing, Gene quickly faded into obscurity both in the literal and figurative sense.
And that was that. I had defeated my nemesis. Finding the cave had been simple, (google was an amazing tool), and luring him here had proved even easier; Gene had always quietly assumed his virtue could overcome any evil which led to a near... well, a fatal lack of forethought. Nancy nagged him about it during poker games on the weekends but he laughed it off as just being true to himself. I will miss those games.
It was not my fault, you see. We were just playing out the cards we were dealt. I had won this hand, and all of them as it turned out.
The setup, I think, had something to do with orphans. Where... oh yes, already in the abyss. Gene was a sucker for orphans having been one himself. He liked kittens too, but so did I. Still do in fact, I'm not the total monster the media makes me out to be. The orphans Gene tried to save were cleverly disguised cave bats. The look on his face was priceless, it was the same look he gave when I beat his full house with... but I digress.
So yes, to answer your question I was there when your dad died. I am accepting applications for a new nemesis as well. I look forward to seeing how much you've grown, Gene Jr. Do you play poker? Write soon.
Sincerely,
Terry. (The Maniaclor)
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